I couldn't breathe well. Something about air conditioning and a fan directed towards me makes me cough and tightens my lungs.
That was at 2am. (I was asleep before 10 if I remember correctly).
I tried going back to sleep but as I looked at the clock, it was the slowest time has ever been 2:15. 2:30. 2:35. 2:45. (Wish time was always this slow).
By 3am I told myself, if I don't get to go back to sleep by 4, I'm getting up.
So I did.
I honestly felt like a zombie. My head was buzzing and my body was sleepy. But my mind stayed awake.
Oh well, might as well start my day.
At 4am I read inspiring devotionals. About breaking bad habits, taming the tongue, encouragement for busy moms.
I was at it for about 20 minutes before Natalie cries out for milk. Oops, back to bed. Hope I don't fall asleep while nursing (breastfeeding has the power to make me drowsy, especially since I'm vulnerable now).
I'm trying to keep myself awake by typing this on my phone. I need to stay awake bec my day has begun. There's so much to do. So much silence to take advantage of. In a few minutes I need to start working and send out emails. In 30 minutes I have to cook my husband's breakfast. After that I've to get back to work. While the girls are asleep.
Emphasis on ASLEEP.
Life as a mom is just so different. I remember being busy as a married non-mom (is that even a word?). Ok, as a married woman with no kids yet. I think I want to laugh! That kind of busy is NOTHING to this kind of busy!
In fact, I now realize that I wasn't that busy back then after all. I had only two individuals to think of. Me and my husband. And we were also both capable of taking care of ourselves.
I don't need to make the extra effort to wake up super early just so I can have time to myself and work.
I don't need to sneak in work while my husband was asleep because he can keep himself busy with his own concerns and interests. And of course, he too goes to work.
My day can start at 9am if I wanted to. 10am even. But not so anymore.
My day with the girls starts at 730am. On some days at 8. So I need to get my personal things done before then if I want to accomplish a lot today. That means devotions/prayer time (it keeps me sane), working, and bathing.
I'd be lucky to squeeze in some work during the day with my daughters' consent. Audrey being older and more understanding would just say, "I hope you'll be done soon Mom, I'd really like it if you can play with us or let's do home school again" (and this is after a whole morning of class with me, whom she calls Teacher Mom).
Natalie is not so forgiving. If I have to attend to an urgent email or phone call or finish some drawings, she will more often than not protest by crying, going to my work station and asking for milk. Or even tapping my knees and arms endlessly and pointing to the mats while saying, "play".
Shucks. How can I even say no. They're only this young for a short moment in time.
So every day I tell myself - Get up. NOW. Get up while it's quiet. Get up and work. Get up so you can finish what needs to be done so you can have more time with your girls.
So that's why this zombie mom is up now. Never mind that I lack sleep. Or that I may possibly get raccoon eyes (that's what concealer is for anyway).
At least I have this time to myself now, and time for my girls later.